Snow Monster (2019)

Who knew Yetis love sashimi?

If you ever thought, “What would a movie be like if you moved King Kong from a tropical island to a frozen mountain top?”, Snow Monster attempts to answer that question. The movie felt like an old Toho monster movie only with slightly better CGI and monster costumes.

In 2045 a van carrying scientists travels through the mountains on the North Pole. I really hope that was a translation error or else there had been some cataclysmic tectonic shifts. Lead scientist Xiao Qin’s instruments showed high magnetic readings and a geothermal hot spot under the van. The scientists believed that high magnetism could result in strange genetic mutations. As if to prove them right, a gigantic hand erupted from the snow causing the van to plummet over a cliff.

Professor Lin asks Xiao’s ex-boyfriend, Ren Yi Fei, to help them find her and he joins the team made up of mostly soldiers. Inside an ancient set of ruins in what looks like a jungle, the team discovers a tunnel filled with centuries old artifacts, skeletons…and deadly prehistoric birds. The men avoid becoming human bird food when they find the exit while being chased by the creepy birds and land outside, in the same location where the lost crew disappeared. The “rescue” crew is confronted with a snow shark (Jaws 5: Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Skiing), the Yeti, an avalanche, and a tribe of snow elves. Lucky for Ren, the snow elves are friends with the gentle, humorous Yeti. The real danger is a friend who isn’t what he seems to be and his betrayals lead to multiple deaths.

Snow Monster's script was all over the place and most of it did not make sense. I guess they figured if people would watch a movie about a skyscraper tall snow monster, it didn’t matter if the rest was nigh on incomprehensible. There seemed to be a message about leaving endangered people and animals alone, but it was pretty thin. The snow elves’ costumes revealed too much skin for people who lived in eternal winter. Maybe the magnetic field had mutated them in such a way that they were impervious to frostbite and hypothermia. The “science” in this movie was ludicrous and I have no idea what kind of geographical map the writers used, but it wasn’t for this planet. The acting and CGI were serviceable, nothing special. Norman Chui was the only actor I recognized and I’m always happy to see him even for the brief minutes he was on screen.

In order to enjoy this movie on any level you have to have developed a high tolerance for men in monster suits and be able to laugh at the absurdity of giant snow sharks. As is often the case, the humans were the biggest monsters in the movie. The Snow Monster was a sweet fluffy Bumble, as long as you didn’t interrupt him while he was eating his sashimi dinner.

10/7/23

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