"I'm trying, I'm just trying to be brave"

Starting this series was a challenge in itself. As soon as I noticed the age gap tag, I wanted out. I eventually watched the trailer because I was intrigued by the posters and the colour scheme of the extract I had come across. After watching it, I realised that the main character would fall for the one person his father genuinely loved. This made me uncomfortable. However, the intimate and almost out-of-time atmosphere that prevailed in each scene made me give in and so here I am, eight episodes later, writing a review for a series I didn't think I would watch.

Some people called this series “pretentious” and I can see why they would think that. This series did try too hard at times but, overall, it delivered much better than I had expected. It sometimes lacked nuances — the character of Sasiwimol especially — but the pure rawness of the characters' emotions, the thought-provoking dialogues and the detailed directing left me speechless. “180° longitude passes through us” strived to be realistic while still allowing the inner lyricism of emotions to soar. Its ending has served its purpose in the best way possible.

Given all the food for thought this series gave me, I decided to outline my review as follows: I’ll begin by giving my take on the main cast using the written sentences shown in the ending scene as a means to introduce each character. I’ll then end this review by bringing to your attention one particular piece of furniture in Inthawut’s bedroom — the decorative wooden screen— as well as the aerial view at the end of the series.

“To you who call yourself a parent, you can only give birth to them but you don’t own them.”
It will come as no surprise that I found Wang’s mother to be insufferable. However, I regret that the screenwriter chose to make her behave in such a cartoonish fashion, thus giving up on adding any layers to her character. She was so over the top, so ridiculous, and so blatantly dismissive, that all the problematic things she did were hardly commented on. Which is a shame given how manipulative she was and how she kept on guilt-tripping her own son and her so-called most trusted friend.

It seems that, all her life, Mol was never mindful of others. She does not listen nor does she compromise: “she always gets what she wants” and it doesn’t matter how many people she hurts along the way.
For instance, she easily acknowledges the fact that she got closer to Inthawut in order to approach Siam — she does not feel ashamed in the slightest for using him. She then married Siam despite him not being able to open up to her. She never bothered trying to wait for the people around her to be — and feel — ready. She sent her little boy, Wang, to a boarding school right after his father died. Wang had to mourn for his father’s passing all alone in an unknown place. I cannot even begin to imagine the utter loneliness and agonising pain Wang must have felt once he knew he was being sent away. By doing so, Mol, whether or not she was aware of it, put the blame for Siam’s passing on Wang’s innocent shoulders.

Wang’s razor sharp mind and his emotional and intellectual maturity are all proof that he had to grow up faster than he should have. Wang, most of the time, accommodates his mother’s wishes without taking into account his own feelings. He obliges, aware that every time they argue, his mother makes him feel terrible about himself, leaving the void inside his heart all the more gaping.
Mol’s manipulation and gaslighting has led Wang to live in the shadow of his father — sometimes becoming it entirely. When he dreams of his father and realises he has the same face, it acts as a confirmation that he has internalised what happened to his father thus making him lose track of who he is. His innocence died the moment Siam passed away. He had to bear the guilt of his father’s death because of his mother's immaturity, without understanding why he felt that way. Him being sent away and Mol’s refusal to talk about Siam must have felt like an earthquake had shaken everything Wang took for real. Why would his mother reject him when he needed her the most? Why was he not allowed to express how much he missed his father? Why did her mother tell him he should never leave her although she was the one who left him all alone in a place he couldn’t call home? Why does he feel his father was a stranger to him in the end?

Inthawut — although he was, for the longest time, just a face in some pictures — soon became Wang’s only hope to remember his father as someone who deserved to be loved and not forgotten.
When the two of them finally meet, In — who was stuck in an eternal winter— welcomed the warmth of Wang’s spring, who shone ever so brightly with his idealism and thoughtfulness. Mol was not fooled although she refused to acknowledge the fact that meeting In gave Wang a reason to believe in his dream again. Notice how Mol always found a way to interrupt the spring blooming between them even when she was not physically there (cf. her phone calls which interrupted two very emotional and intimate moments between In and Wang).

When Wang confesses to his mother that he loves In, Mol reacts in the most cruel and coldest way she could have. How precious Wang’s trust in her was and how easily she crushed it, making him doubt himself although saying it out loud had felt so right.
Mol dismisses Wang’s love completely and the conversation she has with In about it shattered my heart. When she asks In to make Wang normal again, you can see how devastated In is and how quick he is to stand for Wang.
Mol disregards Wang’s love by saying that him liking In is like a child loving their role model. But she is wrong; she is so obviously wrong that I wonder how she could have hidden the truth from herself so fiercely. Wang has no wish to become like In: he doesn’t want to be like him, he wants to be /with/ him.

Being a parent is a hard and scary thing. It cannot be taught and can only be learnt in the moment. Parents make mistakes, they can be insensitive but they should always strive to understand and listen to their children. Not only did Mol never listen to Siam and to Wang, but she never cared enough about them to see how much she was hurting the both of them. She imposed her will and whims on her family without once questioning herself.
The epitome of her ungratefulness and selfishness was when she said that her life had been nothing but endless disappointments although she had won two awards two days before. Wang was never the one with an obsession, she was. His eagerness had nothing to do with being obsessed — Wang feels too much and so he lives intensely. He knew that meeting Inthawut would heal him and so he rightfully listened to his instincts. On the other hand, Mol is obsessed with her son. She is obsessed with the idea that she owns him and so when she feels he is slipping away from her, she guilt-trips him into thinking that he has a debt towards her. That him turning twenty — thus becoming an adult in the eyes of the law — means nothing to her and that he should always stay by her side. She cannot bear the thought of losing her grip on him. As a director, she wanted her son to be the perfect actor: the one who would know her every query without ever needing to ask, the one who would feel such a deep respect towards her that he would always strive to please her. However, she failed to realise that a great director is someone who will give the actors they work with enough creative freedom for them to unveil their talents.

“To you who are still young, you have to bleed first before you learn.”
My dear dear Wang. I hate how cruel the world can be to the kindest of souls.

I now need to lavish Punnasak Sukee and Pond Ponlawit with praise for creating and bringing to life such a mature, lovable and profoundly humane character. His sensitivity and courage brought an ache to my heart that I will never forget.

When I look at how things ended, I can’t help but feel heartbroken for Wang who only ever wanted to make memories he could look back upon fondly. He will definitely cherish the moments he shared with In but those are bittersweet moments.

If Wang’s character could be described as a colour palette, I’d say his would be made of high contrast colours for his spontaneity, wit and gentleness slowly helped In to step out of his desaturated world (even though it was only for a bit).

Wang has left a mark on me that I wish time will never erase. His lucidity stirred me greatly as I found echoes of my own thoughts in his words.
His words inspired respect in In who was mesmerised in his presence. The way he looks at him when they first meet is quite telling. In was humbled by Wang’s courage and grace. Although he couldn’t follow in Wang’s footsteps, he still encouraged him to stay true to himself even when things felt too painful to even continue moving forward. His last words to Wang were a selfless act of love and something Wang desperately needed to hear.

I find it difficult to collect my thoughts and talk about Wang in an organised way because he made me feel too many things at once. Something that needs to be highlighted though is the way he always tries to smile when he is in pain. This made my heart squeeze in my chest. It was as if he told himself that he should not bring sadness to others and so he should always smile through his tears. It was as if he wanted to muffle his pain so as to always bring comfort to others and never be the one who asks for it.
Although he feels utterly alone, he seldom verbalises his pain. When his whole world came crashing down after his terrible fight with In, it killed me to see him fall into his mother’s arms. He knew she would be of no real comfort but he had no one else to turn to.

Wang’s sharpness, just like his “saturated” personality, made him experience the world with all the despair and intensity that youth could provide. It is no wonder he felt that philosophy would be a good match for him given how he likes to think about the world and understand its inner workings. Although he has a good understanding of his surroundings, it broke his heart to realise he would never be able to completely understand In and the depth of his suffering.
If Wang is a rather inward-looking character who likes to think things through, he also knows how and when to take a leap of faith and be spontaneous. When he falls in love, the feeling doesn’t scare him. On the contrary, it makes him eager and relentless. He loved In wholeheartedly. He was convinced of how good a man In was even when In himself couldn’t see it.

In and Wang’s love is the kind of love that lasts for more than a lifetime. It is the forever type — the real one. Their love was so devastatingly beautiful, so painfully genuine. Pure and yet so raw. It would have never worked out but it was worth a try — the most desperate of tries. It would have never worked out because In has drowned himself with guilt. Because Wang speaks his mind whereas In shields himself with silence. In doesn’t feel worthy of such a genuine and warm love. He would have done anything to protect Wang from harm although he realised in the end that he was the one hurting him most and that’s why he decided to let him go.

In’s resignation allowed Mol to have everything she wanted, as always. Although she did get her way in the end, Wang is the only one who’s triumphant. He realised that his mother never had his best interests at heart and that knowledge changed him. Knowing that, he has finally the means to break free from her grip and he has. Him not responding to her constant chatting in the car, holding on to the book that the one he loves has gifted him, aware that this book is nothing but proof that In’s love is persevering… Him looking at the window is him looking for a way to exist and be his own person.
Mol will forever live blinded by her strong convictions while In will live with an ever growing pain in his heart. A hole in his chest that the loneliness he has forced on himself will forever expand. As for Wang, he will fly on because he now knows things he didn’t before.

Before moving on to In’s character, I’d like to comment on a few key moments which happened around the last episodes. When Wang realises his love for In, he feels elated because he has finally found something to look forward to — studying philosophy and living with the one person that fills the void in his heart. However, no one is happy for him, no one thinks his happiness is the right happiness for him. No one thinks he has made the right decision. The world makes him doubt himself over and over again although he is in his most vulnerable state. Mol and In make him feel as if he has made a terrible mistake and that he should feel sorry. “I’m just in love” — the sentence he speaks to his mom — is the climax of his helplessness as he nearly drowns in sorrow. Nevertheless, he is faithful to his role; he has always been the most mature one out of the three. So he keeps his pain silent, a silence so deafening that the rain has to muffle it. (cf. episode 8 when he drives alone at night and chooses to come back)

After driving alone, I thought Wang wouldn’t greet Mol nor In but instead, he let his head rest in the hollow of In’s shoulder. He leans on him and in doing so, he shares the heaviness crushing his heart and asks him, ever so silently, to warm his heart with his sun-like presence.
In’s warmth comes from the intensity of his stifled feelings and Wang can see that even though In refuses to.

Wang knows he will never see In again. He says so explicitly at the end of the series but he is aware of that way before it. When his mother tells him to make sure he doesn’t forget anything while packing and he responds “I won’t. How could I?”, it brings to the fore his clear-headedness which heavily contrasts with his mom’s blindness. He knows it’s not goodbye but farewell.

“To you who call themselves wise, don’t let your cowardice get the better of you. Pick a side or throw away what you believe in.”
There is a veil of guilt and regrets in Inthawut’s eyes that is only lifted in the presence of Wang and it is truly heartbreaking to think that, with Wang’s departure, In will forever be stuck in a blurry vision of what his life could have been.

“Our minds form a cage. And in the end we reject freedom without knowing the taste of it.” How painfully accurate those words are when you think about how In has kept on punishing himself for having fled Siam’s feelings.

In feels as though he has disappointed the world thus making him unworthy of any love nor happiness. He feels guilty about what happened to Siam and Mol and so he accepts whatever stabs she made at him with her harsh words. He offered his apologies relentlessly although he knew he couldn’t have changed the way things went.
Mol wants In to help her force her views on his son but In would never let that happen. Why, you may wonder? Because Wang is the beacon of light he has aimlessly searched for all his life. The house he has built for himself is reminiscent of his inner self — a house so dark that it can only house shadows or broken reflections visible on the glass wall. In needs light but Wang's was so bright that it scared him, once again.

You’ve probably noticed by now that this review is a means for me to talk about how well-thought-out this series was, so let me stray from the point for a short while to talk about the settings. Obviously, In is an avid reader and so the books displayed in his room say a lot about his personality. Everything in In’s room is quite relevant in regards of his character and I loved that. I loved how detailed the directing of that series was.
There is a shot at one point when we see him holding a book called “Naked Philosophy” and its blurb is as follows: “Naked is not about being physically naked. It's about stripping to let someone see the inner you.” In is learning to do just that with Wang and that’s what I call genuine love. Wang acts as a gentle reminder that vulnerability is never a weakness but a necessary state that one should experience in order to truly be.

In has distanced himself from the world to protect himself: that's what the wooden screen in his room embodies. That is why it is highly symbolic whenever Wang goes around it. Wang who helped him built the bridge that connects him to the other side of the stream. Wang who is making him lay down his armour. Wang who has entered his heart. The one person that can see through him. The one person that /gets/ him. But In chose to stay hidden behind the wooden screen, inside his designer house, his eyes having lost the ability to adapt from complete darkness to bright sunlight (i.e Wang).

To end this review, I’d like to comment on one of the last shots of the series.
When Mol and Wang drive back to Bangkok, there is an aerial view of the road on which they’re driving and the element which caught my eye was the sight of a dead tree (timelapse is 50:35min). Its paleness contrasts with the luscious forest they’re crossing and I can’t help but feel this acts as a reminder that Wang has lost a part of himself along the way. Something died in him when In made him realise that people’s hearts cannot always be changed. That terrible truth is something Wang will have to live with all his life. Aware, alone and in pain.

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